Not Everything Goes the Way I Want – Dealing with Frustration During My Recovery
Moving forward step by step, even when things don’t go the way I want.
Recovering after a stroke means more to me than working on my physical recovery. It also means learning to deal with the fact that things sometimes turn out differently from how I want them to.
Before my stroke, my first reaction to a problem was often simple: investigate, solve it, and move on.
Things don’t always work that way anymore.
My energy can suddenly run out. My concentration can decline. A problem that might normally seem relatively straightforward can demand much more from me than I expect.
And that can be frustrating.
When Something Simply Has to Work
One of the hardest things for me is the difference between what I want to do and what I’m able to do at that moment.
In my head, I often know exactly what I want to do. I want to finish something. I want to understand why something isn’t working. I don’t want to stop until I’ve solved the problem.
But sometimes my body and mind set a different pace.
That can turn into quite a struggle with myself.
I might think:
Surely, this should be easy enough?
And then it doesn’t work.
Not because I don’t understand it, but because at that moment I simply don’t have enough energy or concentration left to continue.
My Homelab as an Example
For me, my homelab is more than just a collection of computers and servers. It’s also a way to stay active, learn new things, and challenge myself.
But this is also where I regularly encounter these moments.
Recently, I experienced a prolonged outage that left my website and email services unavailable. That was quite frustrating.
I wanted to solve the problem, preferably as quickly as possible.
But during my recovery, wanting to work quickly can sometimes work against me.
I had to remind myself that I didn’t have to solve everything at once.
So I started tackling the problem step by step.
First, I looked at exactly what wasn’t working. Then I investigated where the problem might be. After that, I worked on a new solution and tested it.
That didn’t go smoothly straight away either.
The first installation of my new firewall got stuck during a firmware update and ended with a factory reset.
At a moment like that, it’s very easy to become frustrated.
And I did.
But eventually, I decided to start again.
Not faster.
Not everything at once.
Just starting over, step by step.
I’ve described the whole process in my article From Frustration to Solution: A Fresh Start for My Firewall.
Frustration Doesn’t Mean I’ve Failed
Perhaps this is one of the most important things I’m learning during my recovery.
The fact that something doesn’t work doesn’t automatically mean I’ve failed.
Sometimes it simply means I need to stop.
Sometimes I need to break a problem down into smaller parts.
And sometimes I have to accept that something won’t be finished today.
I don’t always find that easy.
I’m used to carrying on until something works. But recovery asks something different of me. It asks me to listen more carefully to my own limits.
That doesn’t mean I want less.
It means I have to adapt the way I work.
Taking Things Step by Step Works Better
I’m finding that breaking problems down into small steps works increasingly well for me.
One problem at a time.
One change at a time.
First, understand what is happening, and only then make an adjustment.
That gives me more peace of mind and helps prevent me from getting lost in a problem that seems to grow bigger and bigger.
The good thing is that this approach doesn’t just help with my recovery.
It also helps with my homelab.
The firewall outage is a good example. Eventually, my website came back online, my email started working again, and I was able to use Outlook once more.
Not because everything went right the first time.
But because I kept looking for a solution without forcing myself to do everything at once.
Recovery Also Means Learning Again
For me, recovery increasingly means that I don’t have to prove I can still do everything exactly as I did before.
I have changed.
My pace has changed.
My capacity has changed.
But my curiosity and my desire to understand how things work are still there.
Perhaps I simply need to use them in a different way.
I’m therefore trying to accept that a day when something doesn’t work out isn’t automatically a bad day.
Even then, I’ve learned something.
About myself.
About my limits.
And sometimes, even about technology.
Tomorrow Brings Another New Step
The outage affecting my website and email has now been resolved. The firewall has had a fresh start, and my homelab is running as it should again.
But for me, the story goes beyond the technology.
This experience has reminded me once again that recovery isn’t just about making progress.
It’s also about dealing with frustration, adjusting expectations, and accepting that not every day is the same.
I don’t have to solve everything today.
Sometimes one small step is enough.
And tomorrow, I can carry on.